god, this is so true. the worst is when she (the winsome, manic, hat-designer/grifter/cupcake baker*) teaches some dysfunctional old man-boy (richard gere) how to function/enjoy life before she selflessly and beautifully dies, leaving him to enjoy the life he does not deserve. i’m looking at you, sweet november.

*in the gq comedy issue, mindy kaling says that in the opinion of hollywood pilot producers, every young’n'sassy female character in a sitcom should work in an adorably twee bakery making cupcakes.

if i didn’t work with children, i might consider using this screensaver, for real.

What is a couched and fat-ankled preggo lady supposed to do while half watching Midnight Run in the late afternoon? Why google the past, obvs. And sometimes you come across charming discoveries like this, which my friends put together a long time ago, when I was not yet a fat-ankled preggo lady, but just another fat-ankled ingenue/writer/drunk with big New York dreams.
Also, there is this, written by one of my favorite people of all time, a bridesman at my wedding, a collector of ephemera and bittersweet oddities, a man who entitled an email to me “hells yeah i’ve had sex on a tire swing. and that shit was good”, a tenderheart, my true friend and personal physician, Mark Whoslastnamemustnotbenamed.

yeah, so i was just checking the celebrity baby horoscopes, like you do. i’m either going to have a libra or a scorpio baby, and these horoscopes tell me– the anxious expectant mother– which babies i will be incapable of loving because of the position of the stars upon their birth. it takes a lot of pressure off, frankly. i mean, if it’s just not in a gemini to be able to love, say, a virgo, then so be it. i mean, sorry baby, but mamma can’t battle the stars. luckily, i am not going to have a damn lazy capricorn baby like harlow madden:

HARLOW MADDEN – CAPRICORN – 1/11/08
“Harlow has a lot of creative potential but she lacks motivation,” Knight says of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden’s 7-month-old daughter.

let me tell you something: there will be no lazy layabout newborns in the house of roake and check, my friends, rest assured. our boy-child will be brimming with motivation. that baby is going to get.shit.done, son. trust.